31 December 2008

struggling... again

i always seem to end up back here time and again... why, Lord why? i hate the term backsliding it makes me think of being on a hill and trying to find purchase, so you climb up and use your hands even looking for nay finger and toe holds, but the ground is wet with this muddy sludge and you're not just mired in the bog, it's pulling you down! And there seems like there is nothing you can do... no not true that there is nothing you can do; there is something you can do but you don't want to ask for help from the guide beside you. you want to do it yourself and you begin acting like a pig and thinking the sludge and crud ain't too bad. it's kinda fun playing in the dirt - and before you know it you are at the bottom of the hill and the stink comes up and you are asking yourself how did i get down here?!?!?... but i was doing so well Lord... what part of me just does not learn Lord?... I KNOW i don want to be down here, and how to keep out of this stinky bog - so why do i lose sight of you and of your love for me and of your light... stand firm, steadfast in the faith, come daily to God, persevere, immerse yoursefl in God's word...is this not yet emblazzoned on my heart??? and yet somewhere somehow i am left again at the wayside.. I don't even have an excuse that's the pathetic thing about it.

Way back when i used at least to justify my sins, tell myself i know it cant be that bad, i mean did God really mean 123 and not ABC ... you know stuff like that... but this time round i know it's wrong i don't even try false justification anymore... i just went right along and did it... it's like a man who has developed and allergy for his favourite food, say caramel and he sees this delectable caramel cake all sticky and wonderfully gooey. Instead of taking himself away from temptation coz he knows it is bad for him it could kill him, what does he do? he keeps coming to view it, taking pictures and putting them by this desktop, finding new recipes for caramel cake and even trying them out himself, and he comes to inhale in its all so wonderful scent and he cuts a piece telling himself he wont eat it he just wants to imagine himself doing so and before you know it he has convinced himself a 5mm tiny incy wincy corner wont kill him and it's in his mouth... and anyway he has his EpiPen ready... and then it dawns on him after that minuscule taste that what he is doing is wrong wrong wrong and he may as well be eating the whole thing and having an EpiPen wont save him if he keeps that cake around so he comes to his senses and dumps the whole thing, pictures and recipes included, in a big black bag, drives to the furthest dumpster out of town and leaves the bag there whilst he hightails it out of there... but the taint of the tiny taste lingers in a rash that has developed on his lip and in a..... stain on his heart - well caramel does not put stains on the heart but i figure you know what i mean... so i am trying my level best to take myself away from temptation... the pains and agonies of christian-hood

so to help me out i have decide to pimp up my one-on-one me time with God. I have never been really good with my daily devotions but i am really hoping this time it picks and stays. i saw this beautiful plan here and i am hoping that this time it works better than the other times i've started and it's fizzled out, and i'm hoping that i actually turn to the Lord for help and not think i can do it all by myself. if i have learned anything this past year it's that I have no control over anything... i may make plans but the world always comes in my way and i can not chnage a single thing by worrying.. makes me think of this verse... hav no idea where it is but it goes something like "who of you can add a single hair to their head or a single year to thier lives by worrying" i may have paraphrased a lot... see am still a along way from memorising my verses... sigh

i'd best get going i hav to study for my exams... how did i get here? this aked by the chief procastinator... moi!

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